I love her so much

Jayla is the most amazing little baby. We absolutely love her to pieces. I just realized after reading my previous post, it's time to start looking at this experience a bit more positively. I feel so incredibly blessed to have this wonderful little girl in my life. Her smile just melts my heart. I can't stand to think that for even one second I was upset with something that this helpless little creature did. She's relying on me to teach her things and become a loving, caring, independent, intelligent person.

Take for example the night wakings. Shouldn't I consider this a time to cherish? Soon enough (and probably too soon) she's not going to be waking in the night and then I'll miss her - I'll miss that loving look, her little fingers tugging on my shirt or wrapping around my fingers, her little body sprawled out across my lap and her little eyes starting up at me with the moonlight barely sneaking through the curtains on her face. I have my whole life to sleep. I don't want to miss even a second of that closeness and that amazing bond that her and I share. And not to take anything away from her and her daddy's relationship, but there's something to be said about a mother-baby bond. It's like nothing else in this world. I love Jayla more than I ever could have dreamed I would and I feel so lucky every day that I wake up to see her and hold her.

Dear Jayla...
I just want to describe to you how much I love ALL of you....Let's start with the top of your head....Your hair is starting to fall out...just on the top, every time I kiss your head, another strand of light brown hair attaches itself to my lips, but it's oh so soft and you've got the cutes little bald spot on the back of your head where you've been rubbing it against your crib comforter. Your bright blue eyes, they sparkle even in the dimmest of lighting. And when you smile, your eyes smile too. They're bright, big and beautiful. Your rosy, chubby cheeks. I just love to kiss them all the time. I am so lucky to have that chance, whenever I want. Your little pink lips....and your tongue, you're trying so hard these days to blow raspberries and I can tell you get a little frustrated because you're having a hard time with it. But you'll get it soon enough and you'll be so proud of yourself. Oh and your smile...like I said, it just melts my heart. I love to see you smile. Your arms that lead down to your hands that lead to your fingers - which you are constantly either sucking on, or wrapping them tightly around my fingers or my shirt, or my bra, or even placing them gently on my breast while you're eating. Sometimes you drag your sharp fingernails across my arm, or start tugging at daddy's arm hair with your strong grip. Just showing us your strength I guess. Your cute little tummy. Now that your belly button has minimized a little, it's such a cute belly. I just love tickling it, or rubbing lotion on it, or giving it big kisses, or blowing raspberries on it. You have the softest skin of anyone I know. Your little baby bum. Everyone loves a cute little baby bottom. And with no diaper rashes to date...I can say that you've been pretty happy about it too! Your big strong legs. Some might call them thunder thighs, but you're only 4 months old, that can't be....They're strong so that you can practice standing on my lap, or climbing up my torso and over my shoulder. You haven't made it that far yet, but someday...I'm sure you'll conquer. Finally your sweet little feet. I could just pour chocolate sauce on them and eat them up. Your perfect little toes - are just so sweet. Jayla, from head to toe, I just love you to bits! You're so perfect to me. You just take your time doing what you need to do, and I'll just be there for the ride. I'll follow your cues and when you're ready to move on, I'll be there to help you and guide you anyway I can.

Please forgive me for having any negative thoughts. I just want to be the best mom possible and I don't want to make any mistakes. I know that if I do, you'll forgive me, but just know that I am doing this the only way I know how to.

Love Mommy!

Consistently, Inconsistent!!!

This pretty much summarizes Jayla in the past few weeks. I thought we were on our way to her sleeping through the night and getting past this colic, but it seems that I was wrong. With regards to her sleeping, it could be anywhere from 3.5 hours to 9 hours...at night. And on those nights where it's 3.5 hours, she'll continue to wake up every couple hours after that until it's time to get up. I don't know how to handle it. I mean, she's over 4 months now, should she be sleeping straight through? Should I not be offering to feed/comfort her with the breast at night? I know every baby is different and she will reach this milestone (as any other milestone) when she's ready, but there must be something we/I can do to encourage it. I am getting so frustrated. I don't want to let her CIO (cry it out), she's too young for that..., but I am running low on patience and also on energy. When we have nights like the other night (waking at 1:30, 3:20, 5:30, 7:20 and then at 9:00...) I just can't function during the day. I think it's time for me to talk to somebody about this. I need to know that it's going to get better...and I need to convince my mind of this fact. It's so hard to look at this situation objectively, as I feel like I am the victim, so I'm constantly feeling sorry for myself. And I guess I want others to feel sorry for me too. But, really, what good does it do to mope around?

Anyway, on to something a little more cheerful? Yes, please! Even though Jayla hasn't started laughing yet, she sure does show us that she's enjoying herself (most of the time, when she's not hungry or tired, or just cranky in general)....I love her big wide mouth smiles. She's been doing this thing lately, where I am feeding her and then all of a sudden she'll stop eating and pull her mouth off, and give me this big smile, where her eyes just light up. Such an amazing feeling. I feel like she really loves me....(and her daddy too, he's got a few tricks up his sleeve). She's not very interested in rolling over yet either, but I guess they say that it doesn't always happen this soon. Plus, she's a little on the heavy side, it's probably quite tough to move all that weight over. I suppose more tummy time should help, but she fusses within a few minutes when I put her on her tummy.

We took her swimming a few weeks ago. It was on the August long weekend, at Grandma and Grandpa's trailer park. She seemed to enjoy it, although at first she seemed a little skeptical, maybe because of the temperature of the water. It was quite a bit colder than her usual bath water at home. Speaking of her bath, she loves it. But she is completely horrified when we take her out....I'm not sure what to do about that, but that part of the bedtime routine is really hard. Maybe it would be better if we didn't bath her during the bedtime routine...maybe we need to change things up a little...? I wish I knew the answers....I guess it's really a gambling game, what works for some babies doesn't work for all babies.

Oh and we've been spending time with the other moms and babies from our pre-natal classes. They are all wonderful. It's great to talk to others and get their perspectives on how things are going or things they're trying that are working or not working....I'm sure we'll all stay good friends as our babies get older.....

Well, I guess that's all for now...I really have to try and update this more often...

Sleeping through the night...

Well, it's been quite a few weeks since I last updated. We've been busy I guess.
Anyway, we have some exciting news...Jayla has been sleeping at least 5 hours consistently for about 4 weeks now, and it seems that she's on her way to sleeping through the night consistently too. The past 3 nights in row (in addition to 3 or 4 other random nights) Jayla has been sleeping 8+ hours - last night it was 9 hours...I was in complete shock. I didn't think she'd make it through, because she didn't nap very well yesterday.

I know that I've read a healthy 13 pound baby should be able to easily go 9 hours without eating. Well, Jayla is far past that 13 pound stage - yes, that's right, she's a big baby...lovely though. I love all the little rolls and folds. According to our scales, she's somewhere between 15.5 and 16 pounds...and hasn't even hit the 4 month mark yet. I don't know what's in my milk, maybe steroids, but we're certainly not going to start restricting her...I've heard some horror stories where parents try to do that and it backfires on them, and their children end up being obese.

Speaking obese, well, actually just overweight, Martin and I are trying to lose some weight. Me, still my pregnancy weight, I have 8 more to lose before I get to my pre-pregnancy weight, but I'd like to lose 10 total. Which would bring me back to 135 - where I was on my wedding day. And to think I used to think I was "fat" at that weight. Now, I would do anything to be back at that size again. Martin would also like to lose about 10, so we're going to be reducing our calories and increasing our activity. Luckily, we have lots of volounteers for babysitters...so, we should take advantage of that..and get ourselves to the gym.

In addition to Jayla's sleeping patterns changing....she's also changing in so many other ways. She is just amazing. She loves to smile. She hasn't started laughing yet, but any day now, I imagine. She loves her bouncy chair, her swing, the crib (with the mobile playing) and even her tummy mat. She's already becoming a TV junkie (no thanks to her daddy and me)...but really, it's just all the colours and the lights on TV that she loves. The singing shows (like Canadian Idol, The ONE and Supernova rockstar) are her favorites. She also loves when we sing to her, anything, even if it's just a made up song. Another thing she loves is when she's sitting in the swing or the bouncy chair and I put on her "Kid's Song" CD on and then dance and snap and clap in front of the chair...maybe she's just thinking "wow, mommy really is making a fool of herself" and she's sort of laughing at my sillyness....well, whatever the case, we love to see her smile, so I'll do back flips if I have to (although luckily, it hasn't come to that..my back is already taking a beating lifting her and carrying her around)....

We put her in the big tub last night, with daddy (in his bathing suit) and we tried one on her too. The one we bought her (3-6 months) doesn't fit, so we had to bring out the one's our friends gave us which are 12 month size. Well, really, bathing suits are quite fitted, maybe the smaller one would have fit, but I didn't want to upset her. Anyway, she quite liked the big tub, and we didn't have to worry about her making a big mess on the kitchen floor.

Okay, I think that's a pretty good update for now. I'll try and keep this more up to date.